did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
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You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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