you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
