So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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