it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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