hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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