Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
