Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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