Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
