That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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