I am spending my child support on dildos
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
