my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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