Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
