I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
