your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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