take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
