grandma shit on top of the toilet
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
