Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
