did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
