Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
