Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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