Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
