happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
