im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
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I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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