Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
