I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
