with your own penis?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
