matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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