I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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