pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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