Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
