Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
