That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
