What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
