And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
