I'd wear matching sweaters with you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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