Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
