Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
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my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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