in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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