seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
