So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
