wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
