Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
