3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
