She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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