my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Drake has all the answers
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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