He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
