I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
