Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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