I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
