Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Randomize
