I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
