I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
