Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
