Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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