I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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