have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
