4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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