i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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