Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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